Sunday, December 31, 2017
2017 was a year of reflection. In my memories, the only year that came close to that was probably 12 years back during JC 2 where I can still recalled memories of that year were nothing more than that of me studying only and constantly asking myself in the middle of the night, for what am I studying for?
Compared to JC2, there were so much more things to reflect......... The passing of a loved one made me realised the importance of family. Even when the world seems to go against you, you know that other than close friends, you know that you have your family to count your back on.
Working overseas was a good experience but yet at the same time I recall the nights spent in the apartment when surprisingly sleep does not come easy to me even though my energy were all spent from the day's work. "For what am I doing this for?" "Why do I get upset so easily?" Those questions stuck with me even till now.
I was happy to come back and at the same time at least for you, I felt I was ready for that. For a moment, I was hopeful that this christmas finally brings warmth to my heart but the confliction within ........ Love does not come easy for a person like me and there were constant flashbacks on what could have happened if circumstances changed.
Its probably also the year that I have gotten back my reading habit from the amount of them I have completed thus far, but unlike previous years, the books read this year were no longer fiction in majority but rather leaning towards finance and reflection.
Maybe it's because I have reached the big 30. I felt that I still have accomplished nothing much in life. There still remains a lot of inhibitions within me that seem to prevent me from doing something from what my heart desires. Or possibly do I even know what I even want for myself?
Nevertheless, 2017 was a year of unwanted experiences and yet at the same time I gained numerous insights on life. My life perceptions had deepened and matured immensely. Yes the next year will still most likely be filled with questions and insights on life and I'm hopeful that it will be a good one. I mean, how worse could it have gotten compared to this year anyway haha.
Be happy:) 2018 will be good for me:)
...the dark lord came, and left
Thursday, December 21, 2017
one of those days where i ponder about life again. I'm really not sure what's wrong with me these days. I get frustrated by so many things so easily. sometimes i really wonder do i really know what i want in life. i think i do but why does life doesn't seem to go the way that i want.....
Was i too ambitious? was i too unrealistic in what i think i can achieve ? did i feel this way because too often at times, i undermine all the achievements that i have thus far accomplished in my life. i dun know. i wish to be able to find someone where i can free tell whats on my mind and being able to communicate on topics as wide ranging as the philosophy of life to history etc. why does it seem so difficult
i guess i have age..... does this happen once people reach 30 and you start asking all this seemingly low self-esteem questions?
...the dark lord came, and left
Monday, December 4, 2017
I was curious.... curious of your reactions ... or should I say your inaction.
Tongue-tied... an avalanche of thoughts flooded in as I tried expressing my thoughts into words. These words arnt just for the ears, they are meant for the heart.
(Oh god I’m not sure whether am I even doing this right) ....
It was frustrating, to hear from you, at weekly intervals..... then I realize that source of frustration stems from being conflicted. Yes the dictomy of what my mind is saying and what my heart feels....
You left a strong impression on me the first time we met. Especially so for someone who’s a non believer of love at first sight. It wasn't really in a romantic way i suppose. More of like, this is interesting......... Often I asked myself why i did not do anything. Busyness,.... fear, inconfidence or was it cause we weren’t ready? We all heard too often that timing is a bitch. Truth is there wasn't a right time to begin with.
the past year has made me reflect on a lot of things. Maybe its reaching the big 30, maybe its the passing of my dad, maybe its the overseas hardship, just maybe.... I think i'm ready for someone into my messy world. maybe its just me but its seems you have surrounded yourself with an invisible barrier. I have seen your real self the first time we met.... And im still waiting to find out more about you. i wish im not too late else i will really be kicking myself for that.....
Still hoping that this coming christmas will just be a little warmer (heart) compared than all my previous ones.....:)
.... but i'm still feeling frustrated! damn....
...the dark lord came, and left
